Monday, December 18, 2017

Hmm

Suddenly this blog has become a place I vent my anger and sadness when the original purpose was to show people how amazing my life is by posting about my travels and how I celebrate Raya with my big happy family. Now it's just me. Me alone. Being miserable by myself. With only Allah by my side, I have nobody else. I have nobody to hug me when I need it. And I only talk to my cute plushies and I truly believe they undertsand me more than anyone else here does. Their eyes tell me to keep striving and they will always be here when I need a shoulder to cry on. This past week, so many things just happened to me, I mean, disappointing things have been happening to me constantly since I came here but, I don't know, I just feel like Allah just gives me one by one non-stop tests. And the physical test is also coming (my first sem exams). It's less than one month away but I still don't know how things work. I am still crawling, trying to pick up bits I missed in the lecture.
Also, I know that I am not a nice person, not a nice friend for anyone, I am, indeed despicable, and because I know that it's a fact, I avoid being a nuisance as much as I can. I avoid asking for help as much as I can. But I am just a human, no man is an island. Although I'm an introvert or whatever I still need humans to help me. I am not some kind of genius.
But that nuisance DNA is always here. People still dislike me, even when I don't understand what I do wrong. Is it the way I talk? Is it the way I look? All of em? Also, maybe I'm just too sensitive and emotional. I can't handle criticism. Maybe that's just how people talk, they sound annoyed but they're actually not? IDK.
 I have been trying to make at least one good human friend when I come to Augsburg but all I have even now are those in Malaysia.
But still, I have plenty of non-human friends that made me keep at least a little jar of happiness in me, like snowflakes always kisses me in the morning on the way to school and ladybugs that visit me everyday and go home before dusk.
One friend said to me, 'all these tests, are God's way to make me stronger, because He knows, nobody can take care me except Him and myself.'
And my mother's words that never fail to bring me to tears whenever I think about it, 'Ingat Allah selalu ada dengan Ain' and I think that has been keeping me sane.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Augsburg

Wie die Zeit vergeht. Time flies so fast that I am now finally entering university (other people are already in their 3rd Semester but it's okay haha). Well, it has been a month since I became an official student in Hochschule Augsburg (University of Applied Sciences Augsburg). People would've struggled with these 5 subjects that I take but crazy me added 2 more subjects to that burden which are chinese and korean. That was a stupid idea, I KNOW! But I just love these languages I can't give up on either of them. When I know my school offered these courses, I can't help but enroll. That is why I don't actually tell that to people bcs every person I tell it to, they have the 'you sure you're gonna make it?' face. Well, guess what, I don't know either. Haha. I will just try anyway.
Truthfully, I fell in love with Augsburg on the first day. Is it because it's pretty? Is it because it's serene? Or is it because I was warmly welcomed by a really nice girl? It's all of them! Most shops are just a walk away. And the best part is my apartment is just beside the HS. Score! It is such a small city, complete with everything the people need. I can rant on and on for 30 minutes about Augsburg but I'm not gonna do that now.
P/S: we have wifi on trams
Okay so other than that, I have been struggling with my german language. I thought I was good, but nooo i was 100 miles far from that. I did not. Understand. A word. I mean, I can understand a few words in the sentence but not the sentence as whole bcs my brain needs to work so fast and I am not yet capable of that. Despite that, I am still clinging onto my Malaysian friends haha. Actually not because I don't want to find German friends, but they are really tough cookies to crack. I don't really mind not having a lot of friends, I might just be nuisance to them, you know.  But of course I have a few that I can talk to though. And I think that's enough haha.
Lately I think I am infected by a disease called 'lazinossporosis'. On Thursday I was like 'I'm gonna make full use in these 2 days! I'm gonna learn Werkstofftechnik, watch educational youtube videos, learn back all the notes ... (2 minutes later).. clean my room, call my friends...
Actually me on weekends: Play sims and watch drama all day.
Me on Monday: (wailing) I SHOULDVE USED MY WEEKEND WISELY *cry cry cry*
Then repeat.
Yeah. That's the reality of my life.
So to close this post, here are some pictures




(Bcs i miss herrr)

(River flowing under the Cafeteria)










(At chuseok festival hehe)

Saturday, October 28, 2017

20

Well, I'm 20 years old, Alhamdulillah, a few people remembered me :) I am 1000 times grateful for that. I'm grateful that I even crossed their minds. I never actually thought that I'm worth thinking about. Yesterday was my first time buying cake for myself XD. If my friends were here,  they would no doubt buy for me but too bad I'm so far away from all of em. My first experience spending my birthday completely alone wasn't as forlorn as it sounds. As a loner, asocial, and an introvert, it was in fact a healing moment. Yes I can't separate myself from a tinge of sadness that I have nobody to celebrate with, but when I think again,  why do people have to celebrate it anyway? I'm not a Nobel prize winner,  I'm not an idol, I dont give much impact to people's lives either. I shouldn't be a nuisance at least. Haha. I should get use to this feeling because I'll be having my next 5 birthdays alone too 😂😂😂. I'm quite proud of myself actually. Last two years, when my class suddenly stopped having birthday party's right before my birthday,  I cried a river lol. I expected to much of people and ended up disappointed without no good reason. My gratitude will never fade to the ones that did care. And also I want to say that it's totally okay to forget my birthday. I wish I can too, but you know.. I can't Hahaha. And I'm not being miserable. It's just a new side of me I never knew existed (maybe evolved?) I am also proud to say that I didnt cry today weeheeee. It's on the verge.  But it didnt burst XD I have been crying on my birthday for as long as I can remember and I want to stop being that sad girl. :)
So thank you again my dearies. I sincerely love you more than than myself. <3